DEAR TABBY | Dog in Digital Distress: Pup’s Person Too Busy Profile-Surfing to Play
Dear Tabby,
I’m a high-energy Jack Russell Terrier with a terribly trying situation on my paws. My human used to spend our evenings playing with me, going to the dog park, petting me, and rubbing my belly. It was bliss. But lately, she’s constantly staring at her phone, looking at dating profiles, and making weird faces and odd sounds. Sometimes she giggles. Sometimes she crinkles her nose and groans. Sometimes she gets all dreamy-eyed and lets out a ridiculous sounding sigh.
Her thumb is getting more exercise than I am! Yesterday she actually got a thumb cramp from all the scrolling. A THUMB CRAMP! Meanwhile, does she realize her tennis ball throwing arm is getting flabby from neglect? What’s up with this constant scrolling, swiping, and IGNORING me?
Let me tell you, I’ve tried EVERYTHING to get her attention. I’ve done my best tricks – you know, the spinning ones, the jumping ones, even that adorable head-tilt thing that usually works. I even resorted to bringing her my emergency backup ball – you know, the one I hid under the couch six months ago for just such a crisis. But no! She just keeps thumb-scrolling while absentmindedly patting my head without even looking my way.
I don’t mean to be high-maintenance, but I sure as heck am not going to settle for zero-maintenance!
The dog park visits have gotten shorter because she’s always “just checking one more profile” before we go. And get this – she keeps taking selfies with me saying things like “Dog mom to this handsome boy” and “Must love dogs!” I mean, I’m adorable and all (and quite photogenic, I might add), but I feel like I’m being used as dating profile click bait! And I get nothing in return for my dashing doggy magnetism. Not even an extra treat. Oh, and the other day, she ran out of treats! It’s obvious that my pining princess has her priorities all higgledy-piggledy.
Why does she even need a date? She’s got me! Didn’t she learn a thing from dating that last piece of work she met online? Unemployed, lived in his mother’s basement, and – get this – he was afraid of tennis balls. TENNIS BALLS! The guy froze when I brought him my favorite ball. What kind of person is scared of fuzzy yellow happiness?
Yesterday, she spent 45 minutes trying to get the “perfect profile pic” with me, but wouldn’t even throw my ball! Do you know what that does to a Jack Russell’s soul? I’ve got springs for legs and lightning for paws – I’m not meant to be some statue in a still life portrait!
Any advice before I chew her phone to bits? (Just kidding… maybe.)
Sincerely Concerned,
Dating App Distressed in Dubuque
Dear Dating App Distressed,
Your tale of tragic technological neglect has my whiskers twitching with both amusement and sympathy! Ah yes, dating app syndrome – where humans somehow believe their soulmate is hiding just one more scroll away, while their actual soulmate is literally jumping up and down in front of them. Sadly, your human has fallen into the infamous scroll hole – that mysterious place where humans get lost staring at tiny screens while perfectly good tennis balls lie tragically un-tossed.
While I admire your acrobatic attempts to reclaim her attention (and the head-tilt is indeed a classic move), perhaps we need a more strategic approach. After all, you’re a Jack Russell – master of both mischief and determination! Here are some tried-and-true tactics to help your human rediscover the joy of real-life companionship:
First, about those profile pictures – next time she tries to capture your “dashing doggy magnetism,” consider showcasing your authentic self. You know, the post-muddy-puddle look, or that guilty expression after you dismember a throw pillow. Let’s show potential suitors what they’re REALLY signing up for!
You can always deploy the dependable ‘someone’s at the door’ bark. It is an especially effective ploy during those getting-to-know-you video calls. Nothing ends a virtual date faster than a protective pup’s warning system!
As for the shortened dog park visits, might I suggest strategically timing your need for a potty walk? Even if you don’t need to go, you can fake it. Nothing pulls a human away from profile-scrolling quite like the urgent pet parent panic of “Oh no, not on the carpet!”
And darling, I must commend your excellent judgment about that last dating disaster. Afraid of tennis balls? That’s like being scared of happiness itself! Clearly, your screening abilities are far superior to any dating app’s algorithm.
As for those phone-obsessed photo sessions – remember, you’re a Jack Russell Terrier! Your kind wasn’t bred for posing, you were bred for action. Next time she wants that perfect profile pic, maybe demonstrate your natural talents. I find a sudden case of the zoomies does wonders for changing the subject. Nothing says “put down that phone” quite like a high-speed terrier torpedo circling the living room!
And when she does bring someone home for that first meeting, perfect that look – you know the one, only discernible between guys – that says, ‘You’ll never win her heart. She’s forever mine.’
If she finds her Mr. Right that comes with a dog of his own – brace yourself – that first meeting is basically The Brady Bunch opening credits with the head turns traded for butt sniffing. (‘Here’s the story, of a lovely puppy…sniff, sniff…Marcia, Marcia, Marcia’).
But here’s some real talk, dear friend: your human isn’t replacing you – she’s just trying to expand your pack. And between you and me, having an extra human around can mean double the treats, double the walks, and double the tennis ball throws (assuming they’re not terrified of them, of course).
In the meantime, keep being your energetic, loving self. Though I advise you not to chew up her phone or you’ll find yourself in the proverbial dog house. Maybe just hide it now and then. You know, accidentally.
Whiskers crossed for both of you,
Tabby
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