DEAR TABBY | Autumn Antics: Kitty Confounded by Seasonal Shenanigans
Dear Tabby,
I’m writing to you because I am a completely confused cat. I am beyond bewildered by the bonkers behavior of my humans. Every year around this time, they fill our home with strange orange orbs, fake leaves, and a bizarre horn-shaped basket overflowing with plastic fruits and vegetables. The air is thick with an oddly spicy scent that makes my whiskers twitch.
To make matters worse, they’ve started wrapping themselves in oversized, fuzzy coverings as if to imitate or mock this furry Maine Coon who writes to you.
And now, right by my favorite napping spot, they’ve positioned creepy people made of straw — dressed in hideous plaid, carelessly patched-up denim, and strange hats! Are these voodoo dolls? Should I attack them?
Worse still is the anticipation of the bizarre behavior that will come any day now if the experience from past years repeats. Mom will take to wearing a pointy black hat and pretending she can fly on a broom while uttering an evil-sounding cackle.
Most disturbing of all, there is a deceased fellow feline, apparently flattened in some tragic accident, whose lifeless black corpse is now grotesquely displayed in the front window! It is beyond barbaric, Tabby! Have my humans gone gruesomely mad? Is this a warning to me?
I tell you, Tabby, sheer madness is consuming my abode. Have my humans lost their minds again? Will it be permanent this time?
I’m usually a cool cat, but this craziness is deeply disturbing. Please help me understand why humans behave like this before I lose all nine of my lives to curiosity!
Perplexed in Peoria
Dear Perplexed,
My goodness, it sounds like autumn has encroached on your environment with an explosive entrance! It seems Peoria has suddenly turned to Pumpkinville. Fear not, my confused kitty, for you’re not alone in your bewilderment. Many a feline finds themselves flummoxed by the seasonal shenanigans of their human companions.
What you’re witnessing is a peculiar human phenomenon I call “fall fever.” It’s a harmless (albeit perplexing) condition that causes our two-legged friends to become irrationally enamored with all things autumn.
Those orange orbs? Pumpkins. That horn-shaped basket? A cornucopia. And those creepy straw people invading your napping spot? Scarecrows – supposedly meant to scare birds, not cats, so no need to launch a preemptive attack!
Fear not! That poor cat in the window was never a real cat. There is no cause for mourning, no poor soul has been lost. It is merely an imitation of the feline form, an inanimate decoration for Halloween – a rather odd human holiday celebrating all things wicked, creepy, and scary – that is part of the fall frenzy you are experiencing.
Now, I know it might seem like your humans have lost their marbles, but I assure you, this madness is temporary. They haven’t gone permanently bonkers – they’re just embracing the season with a tad too much enthusiasm for our feline sensibilities.
Let me address your concerns one by one:
- Spicy scent: Ah, the infamous pumpkin spice – a seasonal scent that seems to hijack human brains like a laser pointer’s light. Consider it a form of human catnip, if you will. While the spicy odor emanating from coffee to candle may be annoying to your keen feline olfactory sensors, rest assured it is quite harmless and will soon dissipate.
- Orange orbs: These pumpkins that humans inexplicably adore are harmless fruits. Often mistakenly called vegetables, though botanically classified as fruits, this fall food item captures the fixated focus of humans. They often carve faces into them, which is admittedly unsettling. Ultimately, these orange orbs become the featured ingredient in pies, soups, breads, and all manner of seasonal dishes. My advice? Steer clear of pumpkins and anything else around which humans wield a knife.
- Horn shaped basket: The cornucopia, or “horn of plenty,” is a symbol of abundance. Let me share a cautionary tale: As a kitten, I once emptied a cornucopia to create a cozy nesting spot. Based on the angry reaction I received, I don’t recommend trying that yourself. Humans get oddly attached to their precision placement of seasonal knick-knacks.
- Fuzzy coverings: They’re called “sweaters,” and no, they’re not mocking your magnificent Maine Coon coat. Humans just get chilly easily. Pity them and their lack of proper fur – they’re like permanently shaved Persian cats prone to shivering in the cool fall air.
- Straw people: Those are scarecrows. While they look like voodoo dolls created by a craft-obsessed witch, they’re harmless decorations. Feel free to use them as new scratching posts – I won’t tell if you don’t tell.
- Your mom’s impending broom riding: Ah, you’re describing a witch costume for Halloween. It’s a holiday where humans dress up as various characters. Brace yourself for more silliness, but remember – it’s all in good fun. Just be sure to steer clear of that broom; it’s not a toy and might give you an accidental nasty smack as mom hones her broom flight skills.
- Cat Corpse: That flattened feline form that’s given you such a fright never had nine lives like you and me. It is only a Halloween decoration. Just an inanimate imitation that should cause you no fear for your safety. Trust me, your silhouette will remain three dimensional. To explain further, humans have a bizarre fascination with black cats during this season of spookiness, stemming from old superstitions. In medieval times, people thought black cats were witches’ familiars or even witches in disguise. This led to unfortunate persecution of our ebony-furred brethren (and many innocent women). Nowadays, humans use black cats as part of their spooky Halloween decor. Rest assured, no actual cats were harmed in the making of this decoration. It’s just humans being their clumsy weird selves as they attempt to turn our natural mystique into festive feline art for their upcoming fright fest.
So, now that these mysteries are explained, here’s how to navigate this autumn avalanche:
- Embrace the chaos: Those fake leaves make excellent crinkly toys. In moderation though – one leaf is fun, the whole pile might lead to a stern talking-to.
- Use diversion to your advantage: With all the excitement over pumpkins, they might not notice if you sneak an extra treat or two. It’s called “harvest season” for a reason!
- Find your own fun: Try batting around a small gourd or even a pumpkin seed. Just be careful not to knock anything over – humans tend to get a bit protective of their seasonal decor arrangement, as if they’re curating a Meow-politan Museum of Autumn.
- Maintain your feline dignity: Remember, no matter how silly humans act, we cats are always the epitome of grace and sophistication. So, keep your cat composure through it all. And a word of caution about those pumpkin-scented candles that may appear. Keep your distance. Candles and curious cats don’t mix – one swish of your tail too close, and you might find yourself with a singed fur-do. It’s best to admire their flickering light from afar.
- Join the costume party: If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! Perhaps your humans would be delighted to see you in a tiny witch hat or pumpkin costume. (On second thought, maybe not. We do have our pride to consider. Let’s leave the dressing up to humans and those undignified canines.)
Rest assured, this madness is temporary. Soon enough, the pumpkins and scarecrows will disappear, only to be replaced by twinkling lights and a strange tree in the living room. But that’s a mystery for another day – and another letter, I’m sure.
Until then, keep your whiskers up and remember – in a world gone mad with fall fever, you’re the sane one. Wear that title proudly, my furry friend!
Autumnal Purrs and Whisker Twitches,
Tabby
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